Usually after about three days of no alcohol consumption I start to feel the underlying desire to drink. I can be at work, school, or home and this feeling will start to sneak up on my thoughts until it really consumes my mind! What is worse is that almost always I can call Caitlin and she will say something akin to “I wanna do something fun tonight…” or “I want something bad tonight…”. Either expression means the same thing-let us get alcohol tonight. At this point my underlying desire becomes a raging need and I have to get some beer. Sometimes I really want to get drunk so I will push for hard liquor, but that rarely happens since it is not easily obtainable and Caitlin isn’t a huge fan. However, since she has mentioned that she wanted to drink I now am determined to get beer or something similar and nothing stops me. Truly, at this point it is hard to deter me because it makes me mad that I felt excited to drink and if I suddenly realize I can’t have it I instantly get annoyed! I know this is a bad sign as far as addictions go, but this is where I am in life at the moment. So now, without further-ado, I will begin explaining the night of drinking with Caitlin.
We have $12 dollars in the bank with some in savings for the upcoming rent. I was working from 8-4 p.m. at Target and called Caitlin on my various breaks throughout the day. She had come to pick me up for lunch and we were talking in the car rather than going out to eat. It was in this place that I realized I needed to have a fun night. My exact words were “If I come home tonight and there is nothing to do I am going to be depressed!” This feeling most likely stemmed from the fact that I hate my job and the night before we didn’t do anything other than chill (Caitlin crocheted; Addison played PS4). We decided that either pizza or beer would be the main attraction and that we would participate in a bet that would determine the activity we did whilst eating or drinking. **The bet would give either Caitlin or I the ownership of the night. If she won then I would be forced to take a crotchet lesson from her. If I won she would have to play Call of Duty survival mode with me.** After work we were cross about what we wanted to do. We were literally laying on the bed deciding back and forth “Pizza!……….Beer!” In the end I text my Mom and asked her if she would buy me a pizza online. She said she would (manipulative I know, but I have never done that before so I didn’t feel held back to try). This meant that pizza and beer were the attractions for the night. We got the Cinnamon Horchata by Blue Moon. I tasty, tasty beer that is fantastic for the cold weather if any are interested. So we drank our six pack and decided to get another six pack of Horchata, but this time we mixed the pack with the Temptress. Got home, drank those. Ended up with a pretty strong sense of “The Buzz” a.k.a. drunk. Slept and woke up at 7:30a.m. for class at 8a.m. Now onto the real reason for this post-the day after.
Today started off with really heavy eyes and foul breath. If you have drank you know the breath I mean(really reminds me of a dog’s breath). I had given into the idea of skipping my class today, but Caitlin got up and said she wanted to go to her first class. Since our classes on Tuesday start at the same time I figured I would go too. On the way to Texas Woman’s University I couldn’t help feeling….euphoric. I even told Caitlin that I felt really good despite having a slight headache and a parched throat. She didn’t agree wholeheartedly. Since she had gotten up she had grunted and growled the words “Poop! Have Sex!” (I mean the adult versions f.y.i.) We went to class and I constantly wanted to be outside to feel the brisk air. I knew I should stay and did from 8-11a.m. which is my Tuesday class schedule. I still felt super good, but at this point I was starving so we decided to go to Chinese buffet. It is here that I realized why I felt so euphoric. Whilst consuming massive amounts of crappy sushi I summarized my euphoria-I was relieved from that underlying desire to drink for a day! I mentioned earlier that I usually experience the craving a few days before I absolutely am dying for a drink. Well, since I had alleviated that symptom the night before with indulgence today would be without the desire. I feel so pure and darkness free by having drank. It made me feel sad simply because I realized how much I needed to drink in order to feel good during the next day. Even Caitlin made a similar comment about me being an alcoholic. The most depressing part of it all is that I know I have this problem. Without friends this seems to be one of the only outlets I have for being fun. I think that if I were to want to curb this addiction I would need to find something satisfying in life that tires my mind out so much that I forget about the drinking. Either way, today made me realize that I love and hate drinking. I love it for the next day and the immediate gratification of the night’s fun. I hate it because it is a poison and I am not ignorant of that fact. I don’t even ignore it, but accept it. Bad, bad, bad.